first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He better not be in your backpack
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
