Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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