he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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