My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
