All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
