like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
