Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
