WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
