i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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