the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
