FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
