She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
