I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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