After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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