Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
