I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
