I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
