grandma shit on top of the toilet
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
