I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
