She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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