I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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