the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
