If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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