I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
