U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
