It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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