am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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