Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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