I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
