Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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