The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
