bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
