he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
