all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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