mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
