Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
