So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
