you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
