literally had 100 drinks last night.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
