I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
