Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
