call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
A+ Viking dick
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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