The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
