The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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