My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
