Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize