If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
