i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
