I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
