Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
