Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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