Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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